1st Post. Adoption was my 2nd choice.

Adoption was not my first choice. If I am being brutally honest, had I been given the opportunity to carry more than just one child to full term I would have chosen that route. I would be lying if I said that I did not have dreams of carrying my husband's child, experiencing all 9 grueling months and then the labor and delivery. That was not in our stars however, and adoption was. Who knew? I thought pursuing the adoption was the single most heart wrenching thing I had endured, however...I was wrong. It took us 927 days after meeting our little boy to finally get the opportunity to become his parents. 927 days of waiting, visits, promises, prayers, heart break, devastation, restoration, court, attorneys, appeals, etc. It was the longest 927 days of my life, by far. Relationships were broken, hearts were shattered, and lives were turned upside down...but in the end, we were given the life long duty of raising a 4 year old little boy. Leading up to the adoption, his behavior was noticeable troublesome. We truly attempted to convince ourselves that once the adoption was final, things would settle down and he would eventually become, "normal." We were wrong, so wrong, for thinking that. We led ourselves to believe that this life, was not our normal. I had high expectations for what should have been or what could be. I wanted my adopted son to have the same wonderful life experiences that my biological son had. Because, after all, they are both boys and surely what fit one would fit the other right? Wrong. My biological son has proven to be the delight of my heart for over 18 years now. He has a sense of humor that can light up a room regardless of the situation and has never in his lifetime treated me with disrespect. Especially not intentionally. Raising him, made me want to have more kids. That is a fact. He was a perfect child (in my eyes of course) and I really am truly blessed to have such a fantastic kid in him. With that being said, my adopted son tries daily to remind me how unimportant I am and how invaluable I am to his life. He swears at me daily, is physically aggressive, verbally abusive, argumentative, whiny, and non-compliant. Prior to the adoption all of these behaviors were present both at home and at school however they behaviors really wrapped around some activities that were taking place in his life so we assumed it was due to the activity. Again, our assumption was inaccurate to what was really going on. Here I am, two months post adoption and starting to fall deeper and deeper into a sadness that I am not sure is curable. Not this time. My most treasured job in this life is to be a mommy, and with my adopted son, I feel like I m failing. My kids are my job, my nieces and nephews are also my pride and joy. The adoption finalized his placement into our family however it does not eliminate his lack of respect for me just because he is now a permanent part of our family. I love this little boy with all of my heart and it really and truly makes my heart and soul ache with sadness knowing how very little he cares.